Worse than I imagined..but who cares? I certainly don’t

I have mentioned before many of my detriment, both mental and physical, as well as emotional, which I guess fall under the mental category, but, as I say, wgaf..?

I was treated for the throat cancer 5 years ago, no surgery involving actual throat organs, but do have an 8 inch scar to left side of my neck from lymph node dissection. 32 rounds of radiation therapy which did invisible, and to me personally, unnoticable damage to vocal cords and speaking ability.

i say unnoticeable because it has never been particularly important to me to ve4bslpy communi Cate with people. I’d always just as soon people just left me the f#&* alone, to be honest. I got by and made do. I know, but never cared, that my voice was very quiet, and people had to ask me to speak up a lot, which got kinda annoying, but I never thought to take personal responsibility for it even though it obviously aggravated other people.

Again, I just didn’t give a ….

The desire to socialize has just never been part of my genetic makeup. I always proudly wore the label “eccentric,” preferable and more glamorous, to me at least, than the label “introvert,” which i did, however, begin to adopt later in life. Soooooo

Creep forward five years and I’m noticing the situation has gone from people not being able to hear me to people now not being able to understand me. Because along with whatever invisible damage radiation might have done to my larynx, what with, I guess, fibrosis and all, the radiation also fried my saliva glands, so my mouth is always dry, the cumulative effect being I now sound like a 2yo child babbling and garbled whenever I speak, so instead of constantly being asked to speak up, I am now constantly being asked to repeat myself by friends and family members, and just outright looked at like I am retarded by strangers who know nothing of my history.

Which again, is pretty much fine with me, because I don’t much give a f… about socialization anyway, and it is not really that important to me that people hear and understand me either.

I’d much prefer to be accepted and respected as a sage, and reticent wallflower.

Plus and in addition the radiation has decimated my hearing ability, which dittoflakes, I don’t much care about other than it affects my enjoyment of music, which I compensate with the use of headphones.

Human voices, conversation, and social chitchat I can quite frankly do without.

And for those who do not know anyone who has survived cancer, even five years out and continuing, the effects of radiation treatment still introduce and pronounce as manifestations on a daily basis.


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